Saw the movie "Choke" tonight, which was very funny but also had some sad characters stuck in their lives. One line of dialogue stuck with me though: "I'm afraid after I die, there will be no one left to love him." Or I think that's how it goes. It made me feel for the character, and made me think about my own life. I'm grateful for the close friends I have, the ones who show that they care even during my hardest, bleakest periods. Many of which are occurring lately, or so it seems. There was a preview for a movie called "How To Lose Friends and Alienate People". I laughed and thought, Well, there's something I don't need help with! I have an incredibly difficult time connecting with other people, and I don't communicate well, especially about how I feel. I have a hard time even looking people in the eye, because I think I'm scared that they'll see that I'm dead inside.
When I do look people in the eye, I usually want to just cry, and I can't explain why. I don't know what is going on right now with me. I'm hurting inside. I see a lot of greatness in other people, a lot of awesome beauty which can go unnoticed. I've been protecting myself for so long from feeling anything real that I don't know what I feel anymore. I'm worried I can't feel anything, until something or someone comes along and evokes such strong feelings, and then I don't know how to cope with it. Like an overloading circuit that shorts out, except instead of a circuit breaker, my mind goes off the deep end and I react in what I can only describe as some sort of psychosis.
The main character in "Choke" says he can have sex with any random stranger, but can't with someone he actually cares about. The sad and scary thing is that I know exactly what he means. If I do feel something for someone, and sex enters the equation, I usually end up pushing them away. Instead of dealing with my feelings in a normal, rational, mature way, I wall myself off and close up. I am a fuckin' mess.
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