My So-Called Proxy Life

When things are going okay for me, why do I seem to throw a wrench in the works? I was reconnecting with David and Rey, which could either have been a good or a bad thing. In my own immature way, I took the mending friendships and took a sledgehammer to sever the ties. I invited Rey to the bar Tuesday night, just to hang out and scout the area for hot guys, but he declined. He wanted to get up early to go to work. I assume he did this for the Jason Mraz concert he attended Wednesday night, since he had to be off work early. I've noticed that Rey has a very selfish quality, which involves doing whatever he wants only when he wants. When David told me they were at this concert, I grew incredibly annoyed. How easy it is for David to convince Rey to take off work, while I must pull teeth and inevitably end up with him blowing me off anyway. When I realized I had become jealous over this ridiculously inane thing, I knew that I could not maintain a friendship with David or Rey. I do not

Aside from my dreams, this past weekend was quite an entertaining one. Friday night, I hit my usual drinking hole, although I was surprised that nobody I knew was there. It seems to happen every other week—one week I’ll know several people, and the next week, nobody at all. I couldn’t even find a spot at the bar to just sit and brood into my Dead Horse. I wandered around the bar, not really talking to anyone, just watching the happy-go-lucky people laugh and shoot pool. It wasn’t until around last call that I met Kelly. We’d been eyeing each other for a few minutes, although I couldn’t tell if he was looking at me or checking out the message board above my head. Turns out he was looking at me, and he introduced himself as I stood in line for my last beer and the check. As an aside, David and Jim both know my drink of choice now. They tend to have it ready for me by the time I hit the front of the line. Kelly and his two roommates (Scott and Greg, boyfriends) were playing darts, so I jo

So another weekend has gone by. Friday night was spent at TryAngles, bar of choice for gays seeking social interaction without the thump of bass-heavy music drowning out all conversation like you find at clubs. Some drunks still attempt to dance on the small floor, but that's mostly for the entertainment of people watching from the sidelines. One of the funnier things is a new "LED chat room", where a series of monitors are placed around the bar. You setup a chat name and use your cell phone to text your anonymous messages to the bar patrons. Very, very entertaining, and a brilliant conversation starter. It's like having gay.com right there at the bar! Speaking of which, I met Delaney for the first time after probably years of chatting with him on gay.com. Crazy how I can know someone without ever actually having met them. We connected a bit, so maybe something will develop from it? Maybe… although I'm still wanting to ask Fredrik out. Hey, I can do both, right? A

Some weekends are just better than others, and this last one was all over the map. Aside from dealing with a massive breakout of acne, which just started my descent into self-consciousness, Friday night began with John sending me a text asking what I was up to. It has been a few weeks since I spoke to John last, which made this out-of-the-blue message a bit suspect. What motive might he have, aside from the obvious? Turns out it was the obvious: he was coming down to Salt Lake and needed a place to crash. I offered my room for the night, which was probably not the brightest thing I could have done. Still, he’s a friend and I didn’t want him to have to rent a motel room. He wanted to meet up at TryAngles, so after much persuasion, I agreed. I would have preferred just to hide away in my room all weekend, away from the eyes of people. But I was wanting to drink, so I went after saying good night to Erin. I met John there, sat at the bar and just drank beer most of the night. As fate woul

Saw the movie "Choke" tonight, which was very funny but also had some sad characters stuck in their lives. One line of dialogue stuck with me though: "I'm afraid after I die, there will be no one left to love him." Or I think that's how it goes. It made me feel for the character, and made me think about my own life. I'm grateful for the close friends I have, the ones who show that they care even during my hardest, bleakest periods. Many of which are occurring lately, or so it seems. There was a preview for a movie called "How To Lose Friends and Alienate People". I laughed and thought, Well, there's something I don't need help with! I have an incredibly difficult time connecting with other people, and I don't communicate well, especially about how I feel. I have a hard time even looking people in the eye, because I think I'm scared that they'll see that I'm dead inside. When I do look people in the eye, I usually want t

General Conference weekend! For Mormons, one of those special days when you don't have to go to your ward house! For us gays, a time to celebrate and make fun of the poor saps who spend their Sundays in ward houses. Except that my Sunday sucked. However, aside from that, this weekend was quite enjoyable, especially since I was dreading it on Friday. Went to Erin's to play some Rock Band with Mel and Brooke, which was fun. Mel is a rather kick-ass drummer. She has a good sense of rhythm, although they really need to figure out a way to keep the drum set from sliding away while playing. Since Erin had to get up early for work, we left rather early. I decided it wasn't late enough to head home, so I hit up TryAngles. I was expecting the same sort of isolation as last weekend, since I don't know that many people in the gay community. But to my surprise, a bunch of people I knew were there, including Floyd, a guy I haven't seen in … maybe five years. We fucked twice, and

Finished my CIS 1020 Word assignment today, and had sort of a bitch of a time trying to get it uploaded to the website. The site must have been bogged down with all the other students attempting to turn in their assignments at the last moment too. I do like that it's paperless – he wanted it in Word 2007 format, and so we had to upload the actual file. It's nice not having to print it out and waste ink and paper. I see more and more classes turning to this as well. It's Thursday, almost Friday. I'm not really looking forward to the weekend. Since my fallout with the Wonder Boys, I haven't really had much to do on the weekend. Then again, it's only been two weeks, so I really only have one weekend to judge this by. If I think about it, not much has changed, since I do now what I did with them then: sit around playing video games and generally wasting time. I think just being around other people was a nice diversion. Maybe I'll go visit my parents this weekend

I walked into Brewvies alone, showed my ID to the attendant, and found Erin and Brooke on the bar side of the building. The free movie "Pineapple Express" was in an hour, and seating had not yet begun. Luckily, one of the apparent Brewvies' regulars was also at the bar. Gorgeous sad eyes with a perfect triangular face framed by an immaculate haircut, his five o'clock shadow adding to his sense of mystery. Last time I saw him, he was sitting in the same place drinking the same brand of beer. I wonder what his story might be. His eyes suggest a sense of loneliness and sorrow, although he may enjoy this time to himself. Does he want to be chatted up? I have not figured that out yet. In line for food, I also spotted another regular to the free showings. To be fair, there are a lot of very attractive guys who show up to these events. Or perhaps my desperation for male companionship lowers my standards. This guy reminds me of a friend, although he is more pale with darker f